Sex addicts cannot love their sex partners


Ozodi Osuji

      Sex addicts existentially separated from love, from union with God and people; they live as alone individuals. Feeling anxious and tense from their loneliness they seek sex (or drugs) with many partners or from pornography; sex calms their tense bodies but that is not love for they are merely using sex to relax their bodies but do not love the people they have sex with.

     They can use many sexual partners a day, week, month etc. to calm their bodies but do not love any of them. People are means for them to relax their tense bodies.

    What tenses their bodies and give them anxiety (and the other emotional and personality disorders they suffer from, such as narcissism, antisocial personality, and others) is their decision to separate from love, not to love anyone.

     If your boyfriend or girlfriend is a sex addict, you might as well accept that he/she cannot love you and that he/she merely uses you to relax his/her body. Accept this reality and move on; you should not cry over spilled milk.

    A sex addicted person came to this world to be a separated self, separated from love, from God and people, to live her own life and not be attached to anyone. She has a right to do so; accept her existential decision and do not pity her for she is living as she wants to live, outside love and commitment to social interest and public service and has a right to live as she pleases.

     Accept her abrupt and cavalier treatment of sex and people, her rudeness and inability to really have a good relationship with people. She is destined for a lonely death, for beyond a certain age people’s bodies are no longer their main draw for attention.

     When getting older and some men treat her as some narcissistic men treat female sex addicts, use her and unceremoniously discard her like garbage, she would experience emotional break down, become depressed and may even die suddenly.

     The wage of sin is death. To sin is to separate from God and his creation and use pseudo relationship to replace love (love is union with God and people).

     The loveless person gets away with it in his or her youth but in old age when old folks bodies are now repulsive to people of the opposite gender then he or she learns that love is all there is to life, separate from love and you are not alive but are a living dead person.

    We all take the consequences of our existential decisions so do not pity loveless persons when their suffering is added to by old age.

    Finally, let me state that all of us on planet earth, in the physical universe came here to   separate from love, to avoid love; each of us finds ways to separate from love (love is union and unified state is God). Since we are all doing so it is not really a moral issue where we blame the sex addict or drug addict or anyone else for his or her means of separating from God (God is union and love). All we must do is understand our own way of separating from love, union and God and correct it and return to love, union and God without sentimentalizing it.

    In Nigeria men and women who are addicted to sex, use sex to relax their tense bodies but do not love their sex partners, talk rubbish about how in their tradition polygamy was accepted. The fact that something was done in your world, in the past, does not make it right. In your African world people used to sell their people into slavery and that, I hope, you know was not right.

     Polygamy is not right; it is one of many ways addiction to sex is manifested. The North American idea of polyamorous relationships is one other way that folks use in avoiding committed relationships, avoiding love, avoiding union, and live their separated, miserable lives that they call good living.

     The ego gives us separation and tells us that it is heaven when, in fact, it is the cause of our suffering; to end our suffering we must end the ego, and separation and return to union with God and all his creation.

     I do not care if you are a sex addict, what I care is for you to understand what you are doing and if you want to correct it you return to love and know peace and joy.


Carnes, Patrick (2001). Out of the Shadows, Understanding sexual addiction. Minneapolis Minnesota: Hazelden Publishing.

Dr Carnes points out that the sex addict must desist from sex for a while and try to love herself/his self and love other people before he/she tries sex, that is, he/she must stop using titillation of his/her body to replace love for herself and for other people.

Fromm, Erich (1956). The Art of Loving. New York: Harper.

Dr Fromm’s book on loving is considered a classic on love. If you want to know what love, according to psychoanalysis, is, read Erich Fromm’s books.

Ozodi Osuji

October 26, 2021

Comments are closed.