I resisted growing up

I HAVE RESISTED GROWING UP, BECOMING AN ADULT, AND BEING LOVING AND GOD REALIZED

Ozodi Osuji

     Most of my behaviors are attempts to seem important and powerful, that is, egoistic. That entailed withdrawing from people and God and from afar seeking power, importance, and feeling angry if other people do not treat me as if I am important.

I withdraw from other people to go nurture the big ego self that I desire to be. I came to this world to try to seem a big powerful self, that is, I came to this world to be insane, to be deluded since no one is powerful and avoiding people to go seem powerful is a mental disorder, for one is defending a false self, a fictional self and that defense makes one feel anxiety and psychological pain when the false, fictional self is not affirmed by other people.

     If you did not identify with a false big self, you would have no need to separate from other people to go defend your false, big self, you would be with other people and feel one with them, you would have no anxiety and psychological pain.

     If you have no identification with a false big self you would not even notice when other people treat you as if you are not important and they would not so treat you, for they can only treat you as if you are unimportant if they sense that you want to seem important so they will treat you as if you are unimportant to make you angry at them and lash out at them,  and from such childish behavior know that you have anger and ego problem and go treat it, remove your ego so as to know peace and live in peace with you and all people.

     Without big ego you are at peace with you and all people; ego disturbs your peace and social peace.

    The ego is the opposite of union and love. If you seek to be an egotist, you want to separate from other people and from God and affirm your individuality; separated self is a chimera since in truth we are all connected to all of us and to the whole self-called God.

      If you seek ego, you cannot love your real self and cannot love other people’s real selves. You posit an idealized, perfect ego self and seek to become it and since you and nobody can become perfect you will not become perfect. In the meantime, you do not live as your imperfect real self.

     You do not accept your imperfect, real self and do not accept other people’s imperfect real selves; you compare all people to your imaginary ideal self and refuse to accept their imperfect selves that you see clearly but refuse to overlook and love them as they are, imperfect.

     It is because people are imperfect that you must love them; if they are perfect, they do not need your love.

      In pursuit of the false perfect, ideal self I have not loved me and have not loved other people, especially those around me, my wife and children; I am waiting for them to become perfect before I accept and love them. I merely harp on people’s imperfection and not accept them as imperfect human beings.

     All these behaviors are ego maneuvers, attempts to avoid loving me and loving other people, attempts to avoid loving the son of God and his father.

PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME TO LOVE THEM AS THEY ARE AND STOP CRITICIZING THEM

      People around me ask me to stop judging them relative to an impossible perfect self and perfect standards of behavior and accept them as they are, imperfect. They want me to stop criticizing them, telling them about their faults and, instead, pay attention to them, let them talk and not talk about their issues.

     They want me to be an attentive listener, to keep quiet and let them talk about their issues and I understand them and still love them.

     They know that no one else can solve their problems but they want me, you to listen to them. Listening to people is what heals people, not talking to them.

YOUNG PEOPLE FEEL INADEQUATE AND INFERIOR AND GRANDSTAND FOR POWER AND DO NOT WANT YOU TO CRITICIZE THEM

      When I was a teenager and was around other teenagers most of the time, I noticed that they were always bragging, boasting about their prowess at sports, at which I was not good. They felt inadequate and inferior and were compensating with neurotic sense of superiority.

      If you are an adult, you smile at their lies and not judge them and simply accept them as they are; your acceptance of their imperfect and inadequate selves would enable them to accept their selves and stop pretending to be God like in powers.

IT DOES NOT MATTER WHERE YOU WENT TO SCHOOL, WHAT MATTERS IS WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR EDUCATION

     In my teenage world, to the boys, it mattered a whole lot where you went to elementary and secondary schools. Rich kids went to elite elementary and secondary schools. Those of us who came from working class families went to schools that our parents can afford.

    It bothered me that I did not go to the best secondary school in our town, Lagos. My friends from rich families went to Kings College. At the end of secondary school, we all took national examinations. I did well and used to brag to my friends and say to them, in effect, see, despite going to a second-tier school I did better than you.

    I had good enough grades to go to the best universities in the world, including Oxford and Cambridge but wound up at UCLA.

    Over time I learned that it does not matter where one went to elementary, secondary and university. What matters is what one does with one’s education. So, now if folks ask me where I went to school, I skip answering them, not because I am ashamed of my schools but because it does not matter.

     One only harp on where one went to school if one feels inferior and uses the prestige of one’s school to mask ones underlying sense of inferiority. What matters is one’s contribution to public good, or as Alfred Adler would say, social interests.

LOVE YOU, PEOPLE AND GOD AND YOU KNOW PEACE AND JOY

       To love oneself and other people is to love the son of God and his father; in doing so one feels united with them and in that state of union with all being experiences peace.

      Avoidance of people, which is avoidance of love, and chasing after ego perfection is desire to avoid being God realized.

      All my life, I have been trying to avoid being God realized, avoid being my real self, a real self that I rejected in pursuit of an imaginary ideal, perfect self that I used my ego to construct.

     This is my existential trajectory; it has been so since I was born. My whole life set it up to be so; my problematic body and judgmental father and social failures led me to see my real self as imperfect and reject it and seek what Karen Horney called neurotic ideal self, hence run away from my real self.

     At the race level, I did not accept Igbos, Nigerians, Africans and black folks in general as they are; I compared them to imaginary ideal self and since they are not perfect and ideal, I rejected them.

     White folks have science and technology; I admire them for having science and technology, because I want those values, so initially they seemed like ideal people, but when I came close to them, I realized that they are also not ideal, not perfect, so I rejected them and did not accept their imperfect selves and hence did not love them.

JESUS RECOGNIZED THAT THE WORLD IS A DREAM AND, AS SUCH, NOTHING DONE IN IT CAN HURT HIS REAL SELF, WHICH HE KNEW IS ETERNAL SPIRIT, SO HE WAS NOT AFRAID OF OTHER PEOPLE ATTACKING AND DESTROYING HIS EGO AND BODY

     Jesus recognized that his real self is not the ego and body; ego and body are part of the dream world; what is done in the dream world is not real. He knew that he is the eternal son of God, and that nothing can hurt his spirit self.

     Even then, his ego and body can only be hurt when he wanted to experience hurt, when he identified with ego and body and invited other egos and bodies to attack him so that he feels pained and angry at them and thereafter learn that he is not ego and body and therefore no one can hurt him.

    When folks attacked Jesus, he did not feel defensively angry at them because he realized that they are attacking his false self; he did not value his ego and body so what other egos and bodies did to them did not bother him.

JESUS WAS AWAKENED BEFORE HE BEGAN HIS MINISTRY

   At some point before he began his ministry, Jesus awakened from the dream of self-forgetfulness and knew that the dream is not real and that he is not his dream figure, ego and body.

    If you believe that you are ego and body you have automatically invited other egos and bodies, people to attack you and they will attack you, and you will feel hurt and become defensive.

     On the other hand, if you reject your body and ego and see you as Christ, son of God, as eternal spirit, no one will attack you.

      Christ is spirit; only body can be attacked and hurt; Christ, the son of God is safe in his father; he is protected by his father, he is in unified spirit self, and nothing can hurt spirit, only body can be hurt.

IF YOU VALUE YOUR BODY AND IS AFRAID OF IT DYING YOU ARE GOING TO GET DISEASES AND DIE, FOR IDENTIFICATION WITH BODY IS INVITATION FOR DEATH TO DESTROY IT

     If you identify with your body, desire your body, defend it, value it and see it as worthwhile and protect it and do not want it to die and is afraid of it dying, that is, if you are a human being, you have invited death to attack and destroy your body, take away that which you value, to teach you that you had a misidentification; what you are is spirit and spirit is eternal, you denied your real spirit self, and identified with the valueless separated ego housed in body.

     Separation from God and living in body is sin against our spirit; the wage of sin is death; your body must die for you to end separation from your real self.

    If you do not see you as ego and body, do not value ego and body, you can live in body and live a healthy life and then lay your body down, die.

    If you recognize that you are spirit and that spirit is eternal, you do not have any lesson to learn from death, so when you feel like it you transfigure to light body and thereafter disappear into formless light self.

    Your true self is a point of light in a wave of spiritual light called God.

THE MENTALLY ILL PERSONS YOU SEE IN THE WORLD EXIST FOR YOU TO SEE YOUR OWN MENTAL ILLNESS AND HEAL YOU AND MODEL MENTAL HEALTH FOR THEM, NOT FOR YOU TO FOCUS ON HEALING THEM

      I look around me and see many mentally ill persons. I talk about their mental health issues. But that misses the point.

     People are mentally ill to show all of us, and for our present purposes, to show me, about mental illness so that I learn about it and use what I learned about what heals people to heal me and thereafter model mental health for people to learn from me but not focus on talking about their mental disorders.

     For example, there is this young woman. She has delusion disorder, grandiose type. She thinks that she knows it all and wants all people to accept what she says as the gospel truth and cannot deal with you if you do not see her as the grandiose god she wants to be (to cover her sense of inadequacy and inferiority).

     She wants to be always right, and for all other people to be wrong. Her children left her to go live with their dad, she is divorced, for even children do not want you to tell them that they are wrong, and harp on your rightness.

     So, people leave this woman to go live isolated life in which she nurtures her false, grandiose ego and that separates her from people and God.

     As I look at her, I see that she is exaggerating what I did. I remember what I did during my last year of elementary school, age twelve. My senior brother, Eugene, who had completed secondary school, was couching me and another boy, George, getting us ready to take the common entrance examination to the secondary schools in our town. George is extroverted and easily gave the answers to Eugene’s questions. I am introverted and therefore hesitated to respond to his questions. So, George appeared smarter than I was.

     My personal psychology did not like other kids to seem smarter than me. I felt angry at Eugene and George and threw away the book he gave us to study. It was raining so the book was rained on. Eugene made me to go into the rain and retrieve the book. The salient point is that I was egotistical, like the young proud woman I am talking about.

     The lesson she is teaching me is for me to see what pursuit of false, grandiose ego does to people and go heal me.

TO BE HEALED IS TO GIVE UP ONE’S EGO AND RETURN TO LOVE, UNION WITH GOD AND ALL PEOPLE

     To be healed is to remove one’s ego, all of it, to entirely let go of one’s ego, for if you keep some of it you keep all of it. To be healed, sane is to have no ego. If healed, you can help heal other people. If you have no ego, you can love all people in an unconditionally positive manner and live in peace.

    This young woman, in effect, is trying to get me to heal me and if I heal me, have no desire for big ego, then I model that for her, and she desires my peace and does what I do.

      But, instead, I harp on her need to give up her grandiose ego thus missing the boat; she wants me to heal me and then she would heal her.

     Until I am healed, she cannot be healed; until you are healed those around you are not going to be healed.

    One healed son of God, a person who has given up his ego and regained awareness of his union with all people and God and lives in peace, gives all people his peace and joy and they learn from him and heal themselves.

    It is not for you to directly heal other people but for you to model mental health for them to learn from you and go heal themselves.

OLD PEOPLE ARE FULL OF MEDICAL ISSUES, COMPLAINTS AND RUN FROM DOCTOR TO DOCTOR AND THEIR BODIES ARE FILLED WITH MEDICATIONS AND THEY MAKE THEIR BODIES REAL IN THEIR MINDS; THEY CAN REMOVE THEIR EGOS AND DESIRE FOR BODY AND LIVE WITHOUT MEDICATIONS

      I have a friend that operates assisted living homes. He has several such houses where elderly people, usually in their eighties and above, are taken care of.

    On weekends when I have nothing to do I go to one of his houses and socialize with the elderly people. Their talk mostly consists of medical issues; they are always complaining of this or that medical issue; the workers at the house take them to their medical doctors; each of them is on several medications.

     So, I began thinking about old age, after all old age is in all our future. It dawned on me that in old age, people’s bodies begin to break down and people have medical issues, and focus on them, and take medications.

    They are really saying that they are bodies and egos; they are denying the fact that they are spirits; their medical issues are their egos efforts to seem like they are separated ego selves and identify as body and eventually die.

     So, can they avoid this pathetic way of living? I believe so. They can change their self-views and now see themselves as spirit and know that spirits are eternal and do not die. They can see their bodies as something they use to navigate living in this world and not focus too much on them.

     If they entirely gave up their egos, they would know that they are spirits and not feel physically sick. But that is what only a few persons can accomplish; for most old people just accepting that they are spirit and using their bodies to relate lovingly to other people would reduce their medical issues and tendency to take too many medications.

     Of course, if you are physically and or psychologically sick take the medications that your medical doctor prescribes for you.

     If I am sick, I would take medications; it so happens that I seldom get sick and as such do not remember the last time that I took medications.

YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT PEOPLE AS THEY ARE AND NOT TRY TO CHANGE THEM

      I have this friend, a retired professor of mathematics. He is from Anambra, Igbo land, Nigeria. He calls me about every day. All that he wants to talk about is what he is doing to make money, the rental properties he has or is building, motels he is operating and so on. I politely listen to him, seeking ways to tell him that I am not interested in what interests him.

     Do not get me wrong, I like to have money, but I do not inordinately focus on money, I focus on ideas and, hopefully, make money from my books.

      I could not get this man to talk about ideas. So, I learned to tolerate him. When he calls, I put the phone away from my ears, and keep doing whatever I was doing before he called, and allow him to just talk until he exhausts himself from  talking, knock yourself out, old boy, I say to me. When I have heard enough, I find an excuse to let him go.

     The lesson I learned from him is that some people, especially people from certain parts of Igboland, are primarily interested in making money, whereas folks like me are primarily interested in clarity of thinking.

     From this money crazed man, I learned to accept people as they are and not try to change them; that is the lesson that this old man has taught me. When I put on my psychoanalytic hat, I say that his obsessive-compulsive desire to be wealthy is really a race to avoid recognizing that he is old and that grave, death is starring him in the face; for him, wealth is a means of denying imminent death.

      The man has not seen me in person. He thinks that I am around his age, but he is  in his eighties hence way older than I am; apparently, because I am a wise soul and write and talk like an old man, he and other folks tend to take me for an older man, even those who are way older than me; folks generally think that I am older than them!

Ozodi Osuji January 8, 2022

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