Marriage, I must tell you from experience, is one venture that’s worth preparing for – and very well at that. Your preparation is a function of who you really are, that is: personality/temperament, religion, location, family background, status/class, etc.
For the purpose of precision, I will like to mention at this point that there is a huge difference between the marriage ceremony and the marriage union. Unfortunately, we find people and even ourselves preparing more for the ceremony than the act of marriage. Has it occurred to you the ceremony lasts for a day or at most two? Depending on which part of the world you are while the union is expected to be a-life- long- journey. Does it make sense that you borrow money from different sources just to have a good ceremony but go hungry afterward? Remember, anyone can put a ceremony together but not all can maintain a home.
Welcome to the world of Prince and Patricia and read what she (Patricia) has to say about her experience.
“Prince and I met in a friend’s house while trying to unwind at the weekend). After my friend introduced us, discuss went the right direction as I watched Prince, an engaging talker unfold. He was too smooth and intelligent for anyone who needed company to resist so I simply relaxed and enjoyed the moment. I tried to be a ‘lady’ – only responded when asked, totally overcame every temptation to be forward.
“In fairness to him, Prince never proposed to me while chatting but he took reasonable time presenting himself as a big boy who had a good source of business. Within a short time, he made me feel sorry for myself; leaving my house so early in the morning to count dirty notes for my boss in the name of banking. He painted a picture that working for oneself was a sign of true wealth and wisdom but when I considered how much money I went home with at the end of every month, I beamed and said to myself “this kind of slavery is still better than others”.
“As we exchanged business cards and said goodbye, I never knew this was the beginning of intimacy with a total ‘stranger’. Day after day, Prince would call and express how much he loved the woman he saw in me. Women, they say love to hear good things so I fell head over heels for Prince. Within a short time, everyone came to know I was in-love as Prince made it a point of duty to be present at lunch hour (although he was the one footing the bills) Since I had a good pay from the bank and his business was said to be grooving well, friends encouraged I gave him a chance to be the father of my children.
“The moment I said ‘yes’ to Prince, Preparations took off and I was surprised at what plans he had for marriage. A few weeks to the wedding, he told me to give-up my job as he cannot stand his sweet heart going through any form of stress, not even the one from work place. I didn’t find it a wise decision to consider but my friends talked me into accepting his offer. They made me feel I was a ‘suffer-head’ who never wanted to sit back and enjoy being ‘madam’. Finally, I gave in and presented my resignation.
“After the wedding, it was okay for me to see Prince at home since we were on honey moon but I got really concerned as he remained at home long after we got married. I tried to find out how his business was doing but I couldn’t get the picture of the true situation. As I got more apprehensive by the day, he devised a way of keeping me off worry; leaving home early in the morning, pretending to be going for one business meeting or the other but the way he’ll come back looking scruffy and harassed will tell any right thinking woman he was not in any reasonable meeting.
Upon all the meetings, nothing came out for food and it was soon becoming frustrating as I had left my job and could not even look for another with all the tiredness of early pregnancy. One morning, I decided to follow him at a distance to see the kind of meeting he attends and most importantly his business associates. As he was getting ready to leave, I was also preparing to go out, he asked where I was going and I said I needed to talk to my experienced friend about my early pregnancy so she could advice how to cope with it. That was enough explanation for him so he left without any bout of doubt. I followed him as planned and discovered to my shame that this guy had no form of meeting anywhere but to go and hang around in a cyber café till close of work.
“Do you see people like that when you go to the cyber café? Ah, he was one of them. Since then, I knew I had lost it in marriage. Shame would not allow me to tell my friends the deep shit I found myself and the people who could help would not believe my stories considering the kind of wedding we displayed. Now I have had the baby, no good source of income (although he has started looking for menial jobs to do) and all the money I saved went into the wedding preparation. I really regret getting myself entangled with Prince”
I am not against a flamboyant wedding (I had a good one) but what I mean is your ability to prepare for the marriage itself.
For you to have a good marriage, you need a whole lot of stuff:
Maturity: Age could be a factor but maturity of the mind is of paramount importance. With maturity, you can handle a whole lot of challenges and settle problems with ease.
Patience: I remember when I was getting married, one of the things I was told was ‘go to the market, there is a material called PATIENCE, buy it, sew and wear if you must succeed in marriage’ I tell you it was good advice; everyone needs it no matter who you are dealing with.
Financial stability: You might not like it that I mentioned money but that is the truth. It doesn’t mean having the whole world but at least have a source of income that can sustain you. With this, try and be contented; money can never be enough.
Good health: It might surprise you to hear that good health will make your marriage work well but that is true- if you know you have some kind of terrible diseases, why hide and use it to drain somebody’s pocket? Please make sure your spouse is healthy before committing yourself; do medical test to have an idea of what is awaiting you. I’m not trying to tamper with your FAITH but it’s good to do your best, if sickness develops along the line, be a good and supportive spouse and be there for each other. On the other hand, if you don’t mind coping with your partner’s ailment, you can marry anyone despite their condition but I tell you, it takes sacrificial love to cope for too long.
Love: Are you surprised to hear that people marry without really having love for their spouse? Yes they do but it’s a hard trial; you must be prepared for surprises. If you’re patient enough: things may turn out for your good because love can actually develop and blossoms but if you are in a hurry, things may fall apart.
There are several other things you need to know, do or learn before marriage; find them, do them and ENJOY!!!
Even the strongest person would first feel the pangs of being rejected and only put self together after a good session of either self-talk or simply reminding himself/herself of whom they are and what they stand for.
There is no point making people who suffer rejection feel like they are the most insecure persons on earth- everyone feels pain when rejected but what you do with the pains distinguish you from a feeble hearted fellow who thrives on self pity or setting pity party around them.
I have heard someone say once that rejection is a gift; it comes to you from others but you decide what you want to do with it. Since rejection basically comes from other people to you, it will be worth mentioning that there is very little you can do to stop it or control its coming.
With our focus on marital/sexual rejection, it’s good to know that even when it can be one of the signs that the relationship is grinding to a halt, couples can also show rejection without any intention of terminating the union.
Maybe the word to use should be ‘Denial’ which spells more of a temporary stuff than rejection but whatever word or expression used; the effect on the recipient is undoubtedly that of ‘REJECTION’.
When a man is rejected by his wife, he feels the pains but can put up with it as one of those things but when the woman does the chase and gets turned down; her whole world seems to crumble. Thoughts of shame, unworthiness and all sorts of negative emotions flood her mind and keep her thinking ‘I am not good enough’.
Thus, this article is reaching out for such a fellow who is crushed in the rubble of rejection. I had earlier mentioned that several things could make a man say no to his wife’s moves: there are yet a lot other issues to be mentioned.
If you find yourself in a relationship where the man feels he is a lot better than you, there’s bound to be problem in the bedroom. He sees himself as the lord of that little palace and enjoys your falling before him in ‘worship’ – what a shame.
Malicious people also find rejection as a ‘payback time’ for their spouses. They want you to feel the pains of life just the way you hurt them at other times and sometimes in other ways. Once sexual act shifts from being a mutual act of intimacy to a weapon of war; the casualty plunges deep into vengeance at every available opportunity.
Meanwhile, the rejected keeps thinking…
•There should be something seriously wrong with me
•I am not physically attractive
•Not educated enough
•Probably too old
•Not as good as others
•Not financially strong
•Not useful in any way
•Out of place
•Chasing what is bigger than me
•Simply unlucky to be rejected -self pity.
In all these I’ve mentioned, allowing self-pity to overtake you when rejection knocks is probably the worst step to take. Self pity robs you of the possible meaningful solutions you would have proffered for the situation. Your vision becomes totally blurred, thinking clustered, eyes misty and heart too sick to carry you on.
I always tell people when I have the opportunity that there is no authentic promise anywhere in the world that things would never go wrong. If a brand new car has warranty even for the first year of manufacture; it means ‘it can happen’ –things can go wrong but you have where to go and fix it.
When things go wrong in relationships; no matter how young or old they may be, your first instinct should be ‘how to fix it’- this is why I feel so sorry for people who toy with divorce- every little thing makes them think divorce.
One way of fixing sexual rejection as I mentioned briefly before would be to be patient and give time the chance to heal the cause of it. I know ‘patience’ is an old fashioned word but take it from me ‘nothing succeeds without it’. Starting a new business? You need patience. Looking for a job? You need If you wait and things still do not work well then try other measures- in life you’ve got to keep trying till you succeed. Instead of chasing your spouse the more; spend some good time to become the person you’ll love to be.
Taking a distant learning programme turned Sarah’s life around she could not explain how. The level of concentration, diligence and excellence she attained made her husband realise what an intelligent wife he had. He began to treat her with a lot more respect and trusted her with important decisions unlike before.
Everyone has a dream- that thing you have always thought of doing or becoming; channel that energy there; you’ll be amazed how much success you’ll amass. I read a man’s blog on how his son’s rejection made him decide to lose weight at all costs. Now he has not only lost the weight but has helped thousands of Americans and others to attain their target weight- he practically earns a living from writing diet blogs, books and giving advice. How did it happen? Instead of moaning about the nasty comment the son made about his weight and the open rejection by his wife, he decided to handle the problem and make the best of it.
When people reject you, they know you’ll be hurt; refusing to let that hurt overwhelm you will tell them you are not only mature but also confident. Developing yourself is a priceless investment. Look around and explore ways you can make ‘your world’ a better place to live.
Knowing how to overcome rejection is not too far from knowing how to survive in today’s world because rejection has become a daily experience for many. Consciously make effort to love, respect and value yourself. Treat ‘you’ with dignity and go for things that will help boost your person. If someone sees you as a ‘failure’ what do you say about yourself- that is really what matters and will determine your happiness. Don’t let people define you their own way.
This is something I have been thinking of handling for quite a while but needed to naturally get into it. By using the word ‘naturally’ I mean “Being sure people really wanted to read about it”. Mails, private discuss and anonymous questions have all revealed the ‘heat’.
The word ‘sex’ on its own is treated as sacred; people aren’t very open to talk about it and when used carelessly by young ones is an indication of being corrupt.
Growing up with this mentality has made addressing sexual issues in relationships even as adult almost a ‘taboo’. Whether we like to talk about it or not has nothing to do with the problem itself; it doesn’t make it go away or get better.
That is why, taking the bull by the horn, talking about it might bring some level of relief to many. People would rather suffer in silence, cry in their closet or be buried in sighs of hurt all night just to show up as ‘happily married’ during the day to other people. This is kept and owned as ‘private battle’ but for how long?
Great shame is associated with rejection generally and now that it’s coming from someone that has not only promised but also ‘VOWED’ to be intimate with you thru life: how humiliating can it be?
The world is used to the man as the ‘chaser’ and the woman at the receiving end – this is the traditional love making queue. A man is the hunter with loads of energy and determination to catch and savour. This in a way boosts his masculine pride; telling him the world is at his foot. When the table turns and he’s no more interested in chasing, his wife gets totally confused and feels REJECTED in every sense of the word: it is a terrible place to be in marriage, the pain bites so deep and it affects other areas of your life.
A mother of four once said to me: “Initially I thought it was my weight that put him off so I practically lived at the gym, starved myself to a size zero yet nothing changed. He doesn’t even hide from me that other babes are on the line. You can see it all over him that he’s having the time of his life”.
This excruciating and devastating condition gets even worse each time you see other couples holding hands or just stealing romantic looks at each other- you can’t but ask what wrong you have committed to be totally rejected by yours.
If sex for you is a ‘validating tool’, this era of life will be very difficult for you to bear. If your husband’s attraction to you authenticates you, finding other things to fill up this period might be challenging and ‘slow’. You can’t but think; is there something wrong with me? Are other women better than me? Have I changed from the same person that made his head spin? Is someone/something behind my woe?
The questions are endless. The process of finding fault with ‘you’ rips you of self esteem and makes you feel like a-good –for-nothing old brat who is merely managed by her ‘supreme’ boss.
The most painful thing is that women in this situation would hardly remember to think they might not be the cause of the problem at all. The temptation to condemn self is so high and irresistible that they naturally begin to weigh life in relation to what has not been properly done- dressing, respect for the man, support, care, love, etc.
In as much as it is good to check on self to determine if the fault is yours; it would be helpful to understand that some wicked spouses- both male and female- use sex as a manipulative tool. They say; “if he/she does this, they have me fully in bed but if not, my body I keep.”
Whoever withholds sex to exchange for something is cruel. To some, it is a clear sign that “I am no longer interested in this relationship” but for crying out loud, this is a coward’s approach to crisis. Why can’t you face your problems and deal with them; stop being funny.
It might be shocking to hear that some of these rejections are not really rejections but ‘MASK’. A man in his typical nature will not want to openly accept defeat even before his darling wife. Several things may cause him not to want sexual intimacy but saying it might mean weakness to him so he hides under the mask of “I’m not interested.”
Some of these things could be….
•Tiredness: When a man is tired, the show is going to be ‘bad’ so instead of making a mess of himself, he’ll rather decline with pride. He values his performance so much that even when there is no third party waiting to applaud or condemn him, failure is the last thing he will want to experience.
•Timing: A home maker wife who waits all day for her husband’s return will find it hard to believe that he needs some time to recuperate. Being on a stressful job can very easily make nonsense of your evening even with a charming wife willing to give her best.
Instead of early evening ‘play’, catching up with the morning hue might work wonders for some. Experts have also said that the production of testosterone is higher in the morning thus helping the man to be at his best.
•Medication: Certain medications hamper a man’s performance which he might not even know about.
•Medical conditions: There are a thousand and one medical conditions like obesity, impotence, joint/muscles disorder, etc that can make a man feel less than usual. But if diagnosed; treatments also abound.
•Flirting: Men who look out for other women sometimes tend to forget or totally abandon the one at home. After eating ‘junk’ outside; he cannot be bothered to check out what the home front holds for the night- what cruelty!
•Challenges: It’s good to note that when a man is stressed, his desire for sex is suppressed. Be it a difficult time at work, financial pressure, loss of a loved one or any other thing important to him is capable of drowning his drive.
•Attitude: Attitude they say ‘is everything’. If you’ve been having problems generally in the relationship, it would be a bit out of place to expect sex to be working optimally. Your attitude toward him goes a long way to determine if he’ll want to be intimate with you or not. Does he feel respected? Do you talk to him as ‘the man of the house?
•You: If you do not look attractive and smell fresh sex might not interest him. Men love to see good stuff; give it to them but if after all you’ve done he’s still not turned on, be patient and concentrate on other things.