When we assert our egos separation from people we live in anxiety. Consider my ex friend, M
As an atheist she denied her spirit nature and believes that she is only body hence tries to unify with other people through her body (she sees other people as only bodies).
She is full of grievances and does not forgive any one she thinks wronged her. That makes her feel even more anxious and fearful that those she holds grudges against may harm her. Feeling threatened by people she has a strong need to run to some people who would accept her and thus enable her to reduce her fear and anxiety while she retains her ego hence anxiety; she is in a catch 22 situation and must live in fear. (In terms of diagnosis she has paranoid personality disorder with avoidant features.)
To live as an ego, that is, to live as a separated self-housed in body is to live in fear. M wants to be independent; she does not want her independence stifled by other people; she relates to people with approach-avoidance; she comes close to them and runs from them to go maintain her cherished sense of independence. As long as she wants to live independently she lives alone.
Living alone makes her fearful and anxious because not feeling connected to people she feels that they could harm or even kill her. She tries to reduce her fear and anxiety by coming close to people but not close enough to give up her sense of separated self.
She comes close to men and plays her approach-avoidance game with them and they ditch her, as I did, for I wanted a woman who is close to me, not a woman who, when she visited my house slept in a different room and on a different bed. Apparently, she liked my company for we often talked all night long on assorted psychological issues (she is a psychologist).
Feeling intensely alone she saw a neighborhood woman and sensed that she, too, is very lonely. With the psychological insight of a pimp, she saw a vulnerable victim and decided to exploit her. Thus, she befriended the woman. Normally, women hug each other. In time she went from hugging the other woman to kissing her mouth, breasts and licking her vagina and the poor woman liked what she was doing to her. Both of them entered a lesbian relationship.
I told her that she is a rapist who, like a predatory sex abuser, grooms vulnerable women and sexually abuses them. I told her that if she extends that predatory behavior to younger women I would report her to the police and have her prosecuted as a criminal. She can do her thing with middle aged women; those have sufficient experience to say no to her advances to them; they are not victims of her; they probably want to do what she wants to do.
The suburbs are full of women over fifty years old who are divorced and have no access to heterosexual sex and have no choice but to masturbate themselves or have sex with other women; so M's partners are probably her willing partners and I overlook them, but should she dare extend her predatory behavior to younger women, say, those under age 18, I would volunteer to execute her. In my scheme of things, some human beings are pieces of shit and are best served if they are put out of their misery.
Anyway, in her new relationship, M feels connected to a human being and feels her loneliness reduced. However, she does not see herself as a lesbian despite having sex with other women. Thus, every once in a while she tries to have a relationship with a man.
Having not seen me for years, she called me and invited herself to visit me. From that first visit at a bookstore she invited herself to come and spend a night at my place.
She came over, fully intent on spending the night and realized that her lesbian partner who was out of town might come home that night and panicked. She felt that the woman may come home, drive up to her house and find her not at home and ask questions about where she was. She felt that the lover might be suspicious that she was cheating on her. To avoid that eventuality she ran back home to go stay home in case the lesbian lover drove up. In the meantime, she got drunk (I called her two hours after she left my house and she was already drunk and incoherent in what she was saying).
I must quickly add that I am not exactly non-contributory to M's behaviors. I know that she used to like me a whole lot. She had quit her job and followed me to different cities. But I decided that she is an egotist and not capable of love and dumped her in a most unceremonious manner. She felt dumped by men (her ex-husband had also dumped her). For several years she lived alone, angry at men for treating her shabbily. Unable to deal with her aloneness she saw opportunity to befriend women and one thing led to another. Women lovers became her only way to feel connected to humanity.
If I had loved her by overlooking her egoism we probably would have been married, as she wanted us to do. I pushed her out and thus contributed to her behavior; her egoism also contributed to her behavior. I am not taking one hundred percent responsibility for her behaviors, just fifty percent of it; I do not feel guilty either for at the time I was convinced that she was too egotistical a woman for me to handle.
Because of the role I played in what she has become I feel motivated to understand her and help her to understand herself.
We all contribute to what other people do, for in the general system we live in all parts affect all other parts.
Clearly, this woman is an egotist and lives in fear. She was afraid that her lesbian lover might reject and abandon her thus making her return to the intense aloneness she lived in before their affair began.
When I realized the dynamics of what is going on in her I called her up and said that I am coming over to her place to talk to her ( a good forty five miles drive from my house). When I got there she was not home. She ran away from her own house! She did so, perhaps, from fear that I would disapprove of her behavior.
Let me make it clear: I do not disapprove lesbianism. As I see it, any woman is free to have sex with herself (masturbation), with men, women and dogs and objects. What concerned me was that she was probably doing what she was doing from fear of aloneness rather than from being a natural lesbian, whatever that is.
Anyway, she was not at her house when I got there; apparently, she had left a message in my voice mail saying that she does not want to see me. She, like all egotists, is a coward; she lives in fear. If she was courageous she would have stood her ground, stayed and confronted me and told me why she should be a lesbian and told me to go mind my business.
When we were friends she invariably liked to be around me, not to give herself to me but just to be close to me. Being close to people reduced her fear and anxiety but she retained that anxiety and fear by seeking her ridiculous level of independence from people.
To live fearlessly one must eliminate ones ego. Since to be on earth is to have an ego separated self, the alternative is to use ones ego to love other people, to use ones ego to join other egos; in joining people one reduces ones fear but does not eliminate it; fear can only be eliminated in a state of perfect union, in spirit, in heaven, in perfect love.
M is probably bisexual. All she needs to do is accept her bisexuality and live it openly. She should find men and women who are bisexuals and live with them and they do their thing. She does not have to pretend to be straight for she is not. She should just come right out and be who she is and leave it at that; she does not need to obtain folks approval to be who she is.
As far as I am concerned, M is having her sexual orgies in a dream setting; it is her dream self, the ego that has sex with other dream selves. Dreams are not real. In effect, she is not really having sex.
Her real self, the son of God is not a bisexual or whatever she calls herself. Her real self is not in body, is spirit and does not have sex. Her real self remains as God created it: formless, bodiless, sinless, innocent, guiltless and holy.
The ego is a decision to not love one's self and other sons of God. M chose to be an extreme ego; that is, not to love any one. She is as cynical about love as any human being can be. She does not believe in love; she thinks that those who love are fools.
She does not love men or women (she does not love her lesbian partner for she is not capable of loving any human being). The price she pays is to live alone.
Aloneness is intolerable and the only choice she has is to go about her neighborhood looking for lonely women that she can bamboozle into allowing her to suck and eat their pussies; in doing so she obtains some sense of connectedness to human beings.
She is an extreme example of what happens to human beings who refuse to love their fellow human beings and see love as an intrusion into their lives. A person without love is sick. Her ego is a relic of Neanderthals in human beings.
M clearly has aspects of delusion disorder; she believes that she is in charge of her life and has power to do as she likes, including power to have sex with men, women, animals and objects (and she does all those while presenting herself to society as innocent, as a perfect person; her entire life is pretending to be an ideal person when she is not).
She denies the reality of God being in charge of her life. She opposes God and is childishly opposition defiant. The result of opposing God and man is her loneliness, a loneliness that led her to become a neighborhood rapist of lonely women.
She is a patient; it is not for me to heal her; she is there to show me what those who insist on having false ego power are like and thus help me to heal my own desire for separated ego power; the patient is the healer of the therapist. M is my healer; it is not for me to heal her.
I accept the spiritual part of her; however, I have no use for her animalistic body and what she does with it in her childish effort to have it all with men and women. I do not need to deal with an immature woman trying to have her cake and eat it.
One of the greatest mistakes made by idealists like me is that when we understand people and appreciate their issues we want to change them and make them ideal and perfect, as we construe those to be. Being grown up is to accept people as they are.
For example, initially I wished that M would prefer heterosexuality. However, eventually I realized that she is probably bisexual and that that is who she is. I now accept her as she is.
She is egoistic and oppositional defiant of many things; she defies nature that seems to stipulate sex between a man and a woman; she wants to have sex with both men and women to assert her ego's independence and lack of obedience to nature.
People are who they are; it is not for you to change them to become who your ego wishes them to become. You did not create people and it is not up to you to change them. Live and let live is an adult's view of people.
One must give up ones tendency to moralism; ones wishing to transform one, people and the world to their ideal forms. In matter nothing can be ideal and perfect.
Accept heterosexuals, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. Indeed, accept those who prefer to have sex with animals. What we cannot accept are pedophiles; those ought to be shot dead.
People are imperfect creatures doing imperfect things; accept them as they are. More importantly, whatever you see people do with your naked eyes remember that they do so in dreams and what is done in dreams have not been done in reality. In their truth people remain innocent, holy and sinless and guiltless; so love their real selves regardless of what you see them do with their egos and bodies. In this light, I love the spirit in M and do not care for her oppositional defiant ego.
March 16, 2015