Monday, 18 January 2016 01:27

Nigerian Jokes to Make You Think of Home

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A petition is underway to have the word Thief tattooed on the passports of Nigerian politicians who deposit over $1,000,000 in foreign banks. The female thieves would have Toto tattooed on their nipples.

Some 750,000 Americans are homeless at this point; these include 500,000 Nigerian students. The rest are children fathered by Nigerians politicians.

You can mix anything with water. A mixture of oil and water is more probable than a mixture of Naira and PDP. It’s worse when the mixture is APC + Naira

Homosexuals are flocking to Nigeria in large numbers. The Central Bank  of Nigeria is considering replacing NAIRA with the  GALBIT ( Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, and Transsexuals) such that  a cup of garri now costs  GL150 or 150 GALBIT.

The Nigerian civil servants have not been paid their October salaries since the Fulani uprising is threatening to turn Nasarawa State into Nama Grazing Field. The story now is that money is siphoned off faster than it is collected from around the world. Which means the leaks at CBN and NNPC have mouths as deep and wide as the Lagos lagoon into which the Oba of Lagos has thrown Igbo people.  

A possible solution to the boko  haram problem is being considered by our legislators: Any radicalized jihadhist caught with bombs must undergo  brain transplant surgery which replaces violent brains with the heads of Pentecostal  church-going Christians. Cost is offset with taxes levied against travelers to holy places in Mecca and Jerusalem.

Overhead conversation between President Obama and Nigeria’s Buhari.

BUHARI: Hey, Hussein, this is Muhammad

OBAMA:  Muhammad Who? What country? Wait-o. Let me get my National Security team together. Wait a minute.

BUHARI:  Okay, Mr. President, Sir, take your time. I’ll wait.

OBAMA:  Okay. Now, who do you say you are?

BUHARI:  Muhammad, Sir.

OBAMA: Which Muhammad be this? The head of ISIS or the breakaway faction headed by  Asari Ibn Taqyaki Muhammadu of Iran?

BUHARI: None of those, Sir.

OBAMA: I don’t understand. There are too many violent groups with names like Muhammad.

BUHARI: It’s hard to understand, Sir. By the way, are you Muslim?

OBAMA: The Republicans say I am. My father ___.

BUHARI: Forget about your Kenyan father . I know who he was. He was Sunni just like you?

OBAMA: And now what do you want from us?

BUHARI: How did you deal with your birth certificate the Republicans and Donald Trump say you don’t have? How?

OBAMA: The same way you dealt with WASC results the Igbos say you don’t have. Hahaha.
MUHAMMAD: Okay.  Have you thought of running for the third term?

OBAMA: Yes, definitely.  What special tricks do you recommend from your neck of the woods?    

MUHAMMAD: I will send you three special advisers: Former President Abel Nathan; Former General, O’Banjo,  Minister Mandika , and  Finance Minister Dr. Ofe Ojoo Too Low. How about that?

OBAMA: What would they do for me?

MUHAMMAD: Ofe Ojo will balance your budget; Mandika will ensure no fuel scarcity; General silences the noisy Republicans who bother you; and Former President Abel Nathan will ensure your opponent concedes defeat in the middle of elections. Are you okay with that?

OBAMA: You said three advisers but you’ve given me given four names. How’s that?

MUHAMMAD: That’s right. All three work together as one man to make your entire 2016 budget vamoose in one second. Hahahah.

The Federal Government of Nigeria is renaming Lagos after experiencing an unprecedented influx of gays, lesbians, and transsexuals into the city . The new name is Legays, Nigeria.

The Nigerian Senate and House asked 2 prominent Nigerian church leaders- Overseer Bayo and Bishop Dipoye- to lead in opening prayers. The church leaders flew the politicians over South Africa on a  luxurious jet. The jet was equipped with  numerous xxx-rated movies starring Bianca Ogbodo. You could hear the politicians muttering “Amen” and “Ewa” as Bianca and a few dedicated Nollywood super stars parade butt naked across the movie screen.

                Akwa Ibom  prostitute sues her regular customer, Haruna, for refusing to pay the N100 minimum fee for service. In court, Haruna acts as his own lawyer.

JUDGE: Oya! Why didn’t you pay?

HARUNA: Your Honor, it is this way under the Sharia law, we stone harlots for adultery, but I didn’t.  I just owed her some money.

JUDGE: Who was she committing adultery with? No be you?

HARUNA: Er. Er.

The learned judge found for Plaintiff. Haruna objected. The Sharia Court ordered one of 2 punishments: 100 koboko floggings  or castration.

HARUNA: Will it be okay if I ask the Christian pastor to just remove my foreskin?

JUDGE: And what would you do with the foreskin from your penis?

HARUNA: Sell it to the Yoruba herbalist.

JUDGE: For what?

HARUNS: Igbos love charms that attract money.

JUDGE: Ordered as you wish. But, no sex with Muslim lady. Just Christians. Do you understand?

The New York policeman cited Chief Onuoha the Igbo  taxi driver  for hanging large dry bones across the windshield. In court, Onuoha puts up a clever defense while explaining to the oyibo magistrate.

MAGISTRATE: The bones  on windshield would obstruct  your vision and cause a fatal accident or death. You understand?

ONUOHA: No, Your Honor. You see, Oga  Judge, it is this way. I am Igbo of Anambra, with the highest  Chieftaincy title in my village. I am instructed to hang the bones of my late father and deceased maternal father-in-law  on any furniture I sit on for protection against evil things.

MAGISTRATE: Yes. Evil things like what?

ONUOHA: Like fatal accidents and boko suicide bombers.

MAGISTRATE: How is that so, Mr. Know How? You know that would cause accident leading to death?

ONUOHA: Not if I wash the bones with a mixture with bloody Mary and whisky.

MAGISTRATE: Blood? (Magistrate calls security) Officer, put this man in jail for murder and cannibalism.

QUESTION: “What do foreigners hate the most about West African women?

ANSWER: Their PHAT.

QUESTION:  And what’s that?

ANSWER: Their Pushiness, Hair, Attitudes, and Troubles.

A group of Catholics led by Bishop Amalinze  of Nkalagu Diocese met with Pope Paul and posed a serious question.

QUESTION Holy See, what’s this big deal about celibacy that’s driving our priests away from Catholicism?

POPE: I gave them the nuns and they bothered the boys. Now you want make  I construct penis on nuns and vagina on the  priests? Chei! A beg-o! Leave me alone, O jeary

 

Compiled by James C. Agazie, This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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James Agazie Ed D

A retired college Professor  with educational backgrounds in law (JD) education (Ed.D, MA) counseling,( MS) and and mathematics.  Write on topics dealing with Nigerian families, marriages, education, and employment.